My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
