he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
