why im i the only drunk person in the library?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
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He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
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