I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
