Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
