we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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