Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
