No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
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In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
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Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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