So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
