I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
