I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
