a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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