Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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