I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
