Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
