it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
