no, he came in my armpit
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
