Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I cut my penus on the lid.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
