i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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