So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Two words: blizzard sex
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
