i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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