sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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