If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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