I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
