im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
