My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
