If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
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Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
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Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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