Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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