We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
