and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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