It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
