You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
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Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
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Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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