"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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