I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
