I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
