So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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