I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
