I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
