me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
