my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You're like the curious george of whores
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
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