Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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