You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Randomize
