Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
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