He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
where are you?
Hypothermia
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
