i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
