dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
