I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
