Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
