Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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