I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
