some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
