Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
