i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
