Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
