If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
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It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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