Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize