I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
