Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
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He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
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Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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