real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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